DID CITIZENTOM SCOOP THE ONION OR THE NEW YORK TIMES?

Congressional sources tell us that after testimony of several witnesses, whistleblowers, from the Army’s Information Warfare Center (AIWC), members of the House Judiciary Committee exchanged blows. Early reports suggest that Congressman Mel Watts knocked out Congressman Bob Goodlatte, the chairman of the committee, with a chair. When other Republicans tried to restrain Watts, several other Democrats joined in a brawl with the Republicans. The violence continued until U.S. Capitol Police arrived and separated the congressmen.

Fortunately the injuries appear to be minor. Because he lost consciousness, Congressman Goodlatte remains under observation, but none the other congressmen suffered more than bruises and broken noses.

What started the brawl? Rumors are flying, but reliable sources suggest the committee may be in the process of uncovering a conspiracy led by top Department of Defense (DoD) officials in the Obama administration. The whistleblowers from the AIWC (names withheld for their protection) report that scientists under an AIWC grant have developed a drug (codenamed doormat) that they demonstrated undermines the will of test subjects. When a report on the doormat drug reached these DoD officials, they classified the report and abruptly terminated funding.

The same whistleblowers also report that they have found traces the doormat drug in several popular energy drinks. The whistleblowers speculated that the Obama administration conspired with interests in both the soft drink and advertising industries to contaminate these energy drinks with the drug, theorizing that the each planned to gain their own peculiar objectives with repetitive commercials. The Obama administration would retain the presidency, the soft drink industry would increase sales, and the advertising industry would see a vastly increased demand for commercials.

To verify the accusations, Congressman Bob Goodlatte, in his role as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, has called upon the heads of both the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Food and Drug Administration to test the energy drinks for the doormat drug. Sources indicate, however, that officials in both agencies have been unresponsive.

What follows is a video showing the results of our ongoing investigation. H/T to Lyn Leahz from here.

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